How do I open things up with a therapist without fearing judgment and condescension?
I am truly sorry to hear about your loss, as well as your previous horrible experience with therapy.
I agree with what Laura wrote about this, she makes great points. However, I also want to add a few points. It seems as though you are at a point where you want to speak to someone. Honestly, you might not find the correct therapist for you right away. It can be difficult to find someone who fits with you, who helps you feel comfortable and speaks to you completely unbiased and without judgement. That being said, those kinds of therapists do exist. Many therapists offer free consultations, perhaps not the first session like Laura, but a phone call where you can speak with them. That can give you a good idea of what they are like and if you "fit" with them.
Alternatively, have you considered going to a group? This can take a lot of pressure off of you, because there are a lot of grief groups and many are for those who lost loved ones to drug use. These can be something you do weekly, bi-weekly or even monthly and could be a stepping stone for you to get to the point where you feel ready to see an individual therapist. It is also helpful to speak with others who have gone through a similar situation. Check out psychologytoday.com or even google "grief groups near me" to see what pops up.
I hope this is helpful to you, again I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you the best.
I am so sorry to here about what you are experiencing. Your question is kind of difficult to answer, because there are a lot of things that go into what caused you to develop PTSD in the first place.
You could work on developing ways to work on decreasing the negative responses you are having, such as panic attacks or anger. This could be done using coping skills, mindfulness and thought reframing. This could help you to not experience the panic attacks or anger in such intensity.
You could also perhaps join an outpatient mental health group, because they help to teach basic coping skills and provide other helpful resources. If you want to go this route, look at local behavioral health hospitals or even a local hospital, NAMI.org to find more information about groups or even look on psychologytoday.com to see what you can find near you.
Lastly, you could work with a therapist if these don't appeal to you. I know this isn't exactly you fixing it by yourself, but hear me out. Therapy is a lot of work, but it is also a lot of self-introspection and self-care. While you go to see someone, you also have to do a lot of work on your own. A therapist isn't going to make the changes for you, they just give you the tools and skills you need to get to where you want to go.
I hope this helps you and I wish you the best.
This sounds like a pretty difficult dynamic and I am sorry to hear how it is impacting you.
I would encourage you to try and observe the relationship from an outside perspective to begin with. Try to see what it is that causes your mom to be upset (such as you responding in a tone of voice she doesn't like) and see if there is something you could change on your end. If you are able to change something, like your tone of voice, start there. You could also try asking what you could do to help, perhaps she is frustrated that the trash wasn't taken out. You could also sit down and try to hash things out with her, if you feel like that could be beneficial.
Ultimately, you are only in charge of you. The things you say, your behaviors, are all controlled by you. So it is important to recognize that no matter what, you can't control what she says or does. Obviously the things we say or do can impact others, which is why you are frustrated over her behavior. But remember that you are able to only control yourself.
Seeking therapeutic intervention could also be beneficial for you, and even having her join in to help. I hope you are able to figure something out and I wish you well.
I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this. It can be really hard to deal with our family dynamics, especially when you feel this way and are being told these things.
I would encourage you to keep in touch with people who support you, whether that is friends, a group or club you are involved in or even extended family (if that is an option). I would also encourage you to seek out support in a professional sense, whether an individual therapist or even in a group therapy setting.
The things you are saying to yourself is negative self-talk and it is being fueled by the things others are saying to you. It can be really difficult sometimes to see the positive in ourselves, and it can definitely take some digging and searching to find it. But you have it within you somewhere and it is waiting to be let out.
I hope you find therapeutic help that works for you and helps you to see how incredible you are.