You are in the midst of a really hard time and it sounds like you have no help at all. Search out a local support group through community counseling type centers. If you can't find a group, at least get in to see a therapist who can help you manage stress and upset better. Your sadness, depression and out-of-control feelings don't mean there is something wrong with you - they just mean that your circumstances are too big for your current resources to handle, so get some help. Take care of YOU and you'll be able to get through this.
The obvious answer is no, it's not okay. There are other you should be asking though. You said your fiance "seems afraid" of her ex. Did you ask her about that? Is there a reason he still has a key to the home? Has there been any discussion of appropriate boundaries? I work with a lot of people parenting from different households and the stickiest spots are the ones that have not been discussed. There is obviously conflict there or they wouldn't have split, but your fiance and her ex do need to stay aligned for the kids and that can't happen if she feels fearful or resentful. If she doesn't have a problem with his barging in, clearly you do (and who wouldn't? He's not YOUR ex!), so you and she need to have some agreements around his access to the home.
If she is afraid to bring up the discussion then I strongly recommend that she and the ex get some help with a good therapist. The kids health, your health and hers, and the health of your relationships in the family depend on it!
Ugh! We spend so many hours at work, so if it's a tough environment it can really drag you down.
Is this your "dream job" gone sour or a "just pay the bills" deal that has gotten stale? It makes a big difference in terms of next steps.
For example, if this job is a step on the way to a bigger goal, it might be time to assess whether you need to be moving along to then next phase. Have you learned what you needed to learn to make this a helpful experience? Or do you sense there is more to learn, but you feel stuck in some way?
If this current job is part of a bigger plan, then you need to practice some good self care, set up ways to remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing, and make sure you are including some "carrots" along the way. That might mean spending some time each week networking (preferably live but online works well too) with peers in similar situations (entrepreneur groups, skill building trainings, etc). Big dreams require small steps, but we all need support along the way.
If , however, this is "just a job", then you really have to reassess your situation. If you are burned out and not getting paid your worth then look around for other opportunities. You are employed, not owned.
You mentioned anxiety, and while I don't want to minimize the very real issues anxiety presents, is it possible that some of your anxiety can be seen as "revving your engine" and readying you to move on? Or is it that pervasive feeling of never being able to finish your work, feeling like you will be "in trouble", or dreading every single moment of your workday? The first is a potentially positive motivator, the second is just bad for you. See the difference?
In order to feel any satisfaction with your job, it needs to be financially rewarding (to a level that makes sense), be a good atmosphere to learn, be supportive and/or be a step on the way to a bigger plan you have. If your job isn't fulfilling any of those criteria, you need to move on.
And finally, if the only reason you have this job is to pay the bills, and you truly see no way around keeping your current position for now, remember why you are there - this is a job, not a family. You rent your brain and body to your employer, not your heart and soul. Those belong to you and you are responsible for feeding them. That means good self-care, making sure you have social engagement (face-to-face, not just online), move your body, feel the sun on your face daily, creating ways to refresh your body and mind and generally taking care of your whole being.
Discomfort exists for a reason - it primes us for change, gives us the necessary motivation to take reasonable risks, and pesters us until we do so. The first step is to figure out what change is realistic, and take action.
If you haven't already, please see a doctor. ED can be caused by any number of physical conditions and you need to get checked out.
Once you have ruled out any physical issues that interfere with getting an erection, it's time to look for more subtle causes. Unfortunately, you may have gotten yourself into a mind set of "I hope I can, but what if I can't?" which is certain to interfere with performance.
Again, rule out physical causes (can you tell I think that's important?), then talk with your wife about working together to find the right approach. It might be a good idea, for example, to take the pressure off by enjoying each other without intercourse. You can have great sex without penetration and you can have physical intimacy without sex, so slow down and experiment. You might find more pleasure than you expect when you can relax knowing there doesn't have to be a "finish line".
Again, yes the third time, SEE A DOCTOR, just in case there's something going on. Once you get the all clear, find joy and spontaneity with your wife again by being creative and pressure free.
First, congratulations on your new job. Apparently your employers think highly of you, since they hired you!
You say that "people keep telling" you that you have "anxiety" - how do they know? Have you told others you are sometimes upset or nervous? Have you been treated for anxiety? Or is that a perception that others have that you haven't been able to counter?
It's a new job, and it requires you to do new things, in new places, with new people. Being nervous is not just normal, it may actually help you be on your toes and do a good job. Unless YOU think you have anxiety, do not let others predict your future.
If you believe you are anxious, get in to see a therapist and address it. Anxiety is very treatable, and you don't have to suffer with it - but you do have to acknowledge it and work towards health.
If, in your experience, this is more a nervous energy than an anxiety issue, there are things you can do to address it: Make sure you take good care of yourself, especially in the first month or two of the new job. That means eating well, getting adequate rest, moving your body (walking, swimming, dancing, etc) every day, and staying in touch with friends and family who are positive and supportive.
Below is an article I wrote that might give you more tips too.
A quick way to combat stress
Do you ever feel like your brain is
"bouncy" and won't settle down?
Your brain, that magnificent machine, is not
much different than the brain that kept your ancestors alive in dangerous
situations. Today, though you may not
need to worry about a mountain lion having you for dinner, other stresses are
perceived and processed just you’re the physical dangers your ancestors faced.
That means a looming deadline or a fight with
your partner creates the same "fight/flight/freeze" response that
saved your ancestor way back in the day.
If you "burned off" that adrenaline and cortisol cocktail by
running or fighting off a predator, you would feel the relief and exhaustion
but you would have also metabolized the stress chemicals that are meant to keep
However, when there is no physical response to
the stressor your body is "all wound up with no place to go". Over time this creates not only the
"bouncy brain" feeling of distractibility and distress, but can
manifest itself in physical ailments.
It’s impossible to avoid stress forever, but
sometimes you just need a way to relieve the pressures of life for a moment.
Here's a quick way to settle your brain into a feeling of rest instead of
Put one hand on your chest at collarbone level
and one on your belly just under your naval.
Now, take a slow deep breath filling your abdomen with air, just like
you would fill a glass with water...from the bottom up. When you are full of air, pause for just a
moment and really feel the fullness.
Then slowly exhale, just like you would pour water out, from the top
down. Pause again at "empty"
and feel the relief of space. Repeat for
If you find yourself feeling stressed and
distressed too often, and you are a California resident, let’s talk! Book a complimentary 15 minute video consult
Losing someone you love, someone who has been there from your very first days, is really hard. Look for a local hospice support organization in your community - grief groups and counseling are often available through these centers. Don't just tough it out and wait for your sadness to fade. Your grandfather would not want that for you. Take extra good care of yourself and get some support
You felt bad when you lied, so you told the truth. I imagine your mom was really shocked and upset - both of those things tell me you are a pretty honest person. It's possible that your mom had a big reaction simply because she has learned that her child, from whom she always assumed honesty, was capable of being dishonest. That's not awesome, but it's not the end of the world. You made a mistake - you'll make more of those in your life, just try not to make the same ones over and over again.
It sounds like you and your mom are close so I can see why it would feel so awful to have her distrust you. Since you are a fundamentally honest person, the way back to being trusted is going to be simple, but may take a little time. The "recipe" is easy - say what you are doing/going to do; do only that unless change is necessary, in which case you inform others involved, and repeat.
And cut yourself some slack. Your mom will recover and so will you. It's an important and painful lesson about integrity, but once learned it will serve you well.
Well, yes, of course it scares them. They see someone they love behaving is frightening ways. That's a good reason to want to manage your emotions differently...but what are your thoughts on your anger? Do you think your angry feelings justify lashing out?
The thing is that feeling angry is just that...feeling. Acting out is behavior and that affects everyone around you. Do you need to manage your behavior, as well as your feelings? My guess is that you do.
First you need to pay better attention to your feelings "thermostat". If you are always near "boiling" you don't have much margin for error. It's in your best interest, and that of your family, to bring that temperature down. That may mean more physical activity, meditation, journaling or some other outlet.
The next, and bigger, question is what are you so mad about? Or are you really sad, scared, confused? Anger is a secondary emotion, much like pneumonia is a secondary infection. Anger, which sets us up to defend ourselves against a perceived danger, is often a cover for feelings that leave us more vulnerable. That means people who are grieving may exhibit rage; people who are scared may lash out.
That doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it might explain it. Get in t o see a therapist ASAP. You need a bit of help to identify both anger triggers and underlying feelings that get played out as anger. You are not a bad person for exhibiting emotions, but anger can quickly become destructive - get help now!
I imagine you are trying to figure out a way to be "fair" to your adult kids. The key word is "adult". If your daughter can afford to join the family for a vacation that's great, she's welcome to come. However, as you pointed out she took a vacation by herself last year - she chose to put her resources (time off work and money) into doing that. Good for her - she did what she wanted. If she wants to budget time and money for a family vacation she will.
As for feeling guilty, let me echo the sentiments already offered - vacations are lovely, but not a survival need. Your girl is in her 20s and it's her turn to provide for herself. You did your parenting - now go enjoy your vacation with whoever can, and wants to, join you!