Rebecca Wong

The most crucial key to any relationship is that mutual feeling you hold between you both: that you matter. Sounds like you are stuck in a cycle of hearing your ex say you don't matter. That's why it didn't work with him btw. He wasn't reflecting to you that you mattered. However it ended, clearly... more

Have you sought the support of a therapist really qualified in working through sexual trauma? It can take some work, but healing is possible. If you feel able to, it may also help to open a dialogue with your boyfriend about what you need from him when you have these flashbacks. Let him know what... more

We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you... more

I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified sex therapist to help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/or you... more

What Makes Love Last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal by John Gottman is a great book for you both to start reading. You may also want to invest some time and energy in couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lack of trust in your relationship, likely a hangover from your beginnings, that... more

Would you have the same desire to meet this friend if she were a he? If you are concerned that their friendship is a substitute for you when you aren't present, talk to him. It sounds like you are concerned that he is building an emotional intimacy with her and spending time doing the sort of things... more

Sounds like your panic is less about loosing the relationship you are in (which by the way doesn't sound like it's meeting YOUR need for connection) and more about being alone. Being with him is serving you, even if the relationship is less than ideal, from being alone. Being alone can be scary. You... more

Gratitude. Overly simplified, but that's the trick. When you can let in and celebrate the good stuff everything will start to find more balance. Our brains are fine tuned to focus on and highlight all the icky ugly stuff and file it away to try and avoid it in the future. We don't process the good... more

Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman... more

Cheating is often a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. His fear may be full of information. While it's possible to repair relationships after a betrayal it's also challenging to do, especially so early in your relationship. I can't tell you if you should/shouldn't give this... more

Some people simply talk to themselves as a way of processing information. Have you checked in with your husband about this in a non-accusatory way? Something like "Hey babe (or whatever sweet name you typically use), I'm so curious what that's all about? Do you notice that you are talking out loud... more

Talking to your partner about what's off would be a good place to start, but sometimes that can be really hard to muster the courage to do alone. It may not feel emotionally safe to dive into. This is where couples, and even more specifically, sex therapy can be really helpful. Therapy with a... more

Sounds like you already see what's amiss. You're looking for fix-er-uppers! When you meet these men they need you. And you're filled by fixing them.  And when they are fixed, what do they have to give you? What's your need in relationship? What if you found someone who didn't need fixing? 

The issue at hand here is that you're betrayal broke his trust. In order to repair your relationship you will both need to confront the infidelity. And both of you will need to honor yourselves by communicating your feelings and ensuring that those feelings are heard and validated. It would be... more

As a relationship therapist I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another and almost always find that the origin of these feelings point back towards childhood. How did you caregivers express (or not express) love towards you? How did they express (or not express... more