Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Sherry Katz, LCSW
Sherry Katz, LCSW
Couples and Family Therapist, LCSW

Your question is very meaningful to your relationship.

And, the possible reasons are endless.

It is definitely a topic which affects both of you.  You need to gently ask your boyfriend this question directly.  How you ask, how he answers and the discussion or lack of discussion which follows, will show a lot about the comfort you each feel being with each other and what conditions would improve the sex life.

Medical rule out is always the first consideration.

Before addressing in detail any topics of trust, care, love, ways to express oneself sexually, your boyfriend needs to know that here isn't some physical problem preventing him from having sex w you.

If he is told by his doctor that there is no medical reason, then the two of you are free to talk about why he stops himself from having sex with you.

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.
Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP
Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP
I tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

If you are saying that he will not have sex with you, but the rest of your relationship is as you would like it to be, perhaps you can have a discussion about it. There could be a difference in preferences. Perhaps you could give each other feedback regarding what you like and what you don't like.

If there are other concerns in your relationship, such as possibly needing to communicate better or trust each other more, these concerns could be showing up related to your question about sex.

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 800-273-8255, call 911, or proceed to your local emergency room.
Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC
Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC
Mental Health in a Primary Care Setting

Hello, and thank you for your question. I am not sure that we can be much help since we know very little about your situation. For example, we don't know how old you are or if you have previously had a satisfying sex life. So, I will just name a few things that can impact someone's interest in sex, and some colleagues may add others.

There are quite a few things that can actually lead to disinterest or inability to have sex. Things such as depression, illness, anxiety/stress, substance or alcohol abuse, and relationship dissatisfaction are just a few reasons. I work in a medical setting, and you might be surprised by how many male patients have some kind of erectile dysfunction occurrence even in their 20s.

The best way to find out why he won't have sex is simply to ask. Guessing will likely not bring you to the actual truth, and if you are dissatisfied about your sex life, it is likely not to get better without take some kind of action step.

I suggest approaching your partner with compassion and concern. He may also be aware that there is a problem and is afraid or embarrassed to talk to you about it. If you do end up communicating, you have some options to explore.

He may want to see his primary care provider if he believes it may be a health issue. A vicious circle can develop about this topic. A person has difficulty with sex for some reason, which generates anxiety, which can actually lead to more difficulty with sex. Counseling can be helpful. Some couples try something called the Sensate Focus Method. You can look it up online. I am not suggesting it or indicating it will help, but some people have said it is helpful.

Good luck and be well.

Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.

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