Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?
A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection,
Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage.
I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to.
What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?
First step always is to do a medical rule out so that you're sure the problem is psychological and emotion based, not a medical condition which requires care and attention.
If you are medically clear in the reasons for losing your erection, then reflect on what may be creating a loss in confidence in either who you are and what you're doing with your life, or whether your wife has these sort of problems within herself.
Often a problem transfers ownership of who shows it.
If you are a sensitive person its possible your erection problem reflects your wife's insecurities and self-doubt. If she is someone who is reluctant to talk about feeling unsure then in a certain way by you showing a problem, she can avoid looking at herself.
There may not be a direct cause such as usually exists in a medical problem.
Medicine looks for symptoms to treat.
Our emotional lives are much more indirect.
If you feel stress at work or are unhappy in the place you live, for example, then your frustration may show up in your sex life.
Basically, do a broad inward search of your life and what it holds and maybe ask your wife to do the same.
You may clear the air within yourselves and between each other so the problem goes away.
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For starters, know that this is a normal experience for many men at some point in their lives. While this can certainly cause some embarrassment, a diminished sexual esteem or relationship problems, it is important to know you are not alone. I am going to move forward assuming that you have already checked with a medical professional to rule out any medical problems that may be related to this. Assuming that is the case, for most this happens for two primary reasons. It is either a short term biological shortage of blood flow to the penis. This can be caused my diet, lack of exercise, even stress. Another primary reason for loss of erections are anxiety. Have their been recent relationship issues? Are you feeling as though you aren't satisfied in the bedroom? These are just a few aspects that can cause subconscious anxiety and loss of erection. My suggestion to you would be to seek out a counselor that specializes in sexuality that can assist you in moving forward with this. Best of Luck!
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This issue could come from any variables. The pressure of being satisfying, or if you have experienced any tension. Do you have any uncomfortable thoughts or is anything from your past coming up? Had you been socialized to believe certain things or did new beliefs come up? What were your models of healthy relationships? Was anything of substance coming up around the time this began? Some have found acupuncture to be helpful or even the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).
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Most men believe that getting an erection is just a given. However, research shows that men, even in their 20's and 30's can start to lose an erection sometimes. Unfortunately, what tends to happen is that men don't know this and become extremely upset and fearful after losing an erection because they don't know that it is normal and happens sometimes.
Anxiety, depression and stress are the biggest culprits to losing erections at an early age. Anxiety or nervousness constricts the blood vessels, decreasing the amount of blood flow to the penis, thus diminishing an erection.
Other reasons may be possible also, especially, when this first happened. My assumption would be that anxiety and fear of being able to keep your erection is contributing to continued difficulty with erections, but the initial cause would need to be explored more deeply.
Initial causes of losing an erection could be many things. Anxiety, depression, stress, tiredness, or any negative emotion can cause you to lose your arousal and thus lose an erection. Also, I would encourage you to make sure that you see a doctor to check off that their are no medical concerns. Diabetes or weight issues might contribute to the loss of erection and so can other medical concerns.
If it is causing relationship difficulties, the last thing you and your wife need to do is argue about it or get angry or frustrated with each other. I would encourage marriage counseling to make sure your relationship and COMMUNICATION is strong, especially around the topic of sex. I good sex therapist can probably assess what the initial contributing factor could be. A doctor to do a full medical check-up to make sure there are no physical issues (especially testosterone levels).
Finally, one thing I encourage is to get back to the basics. Make sure your relationship is strong, keep excitement and dating and spontaneity a large part of your relationship. Bring enjoyment back into your relationship everyday. And, don't stress about the erection. Focus more on ENJOYING your wife, her body, and the all the experiences that come with "MAKING LOVE" to her. I have known men that can't get an erection, but still enjoy sex with their wife.
With that said, if their are no physical concerns, then it is all in your head. So, learning how to relax and ENJOY the action is key!
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If you haven't already, please see a doctor. ED can be caused by any number of physical conditions and you need to get checked out.
Once you have ruled out any physical issues that interfere with getting an erection, it's time to look for more subtle causes. Unfortunately, you may have gotten yourself into a mind set of "I hope I can, but what if I can't?" which is certain to interfere with performance.
Again, rule out physical causes (can you tell I think that's important?), then talk with your wife about working together to find the right approach. It might be a good idea, for example, to take the pressure off by enjoying each other without intercourse. You can have great sex without penetration and you can have physical intimacy without sex, so slow down and experiment. You might find more pleasure than you expect when you can relax knowing there doesn't have to be a "finish line".
Again, yes the third time, SEE A DOCTOR, just in case there's something going on. Once you get the all clear, find joy and spontaneity with your wife again by being creative and pressure free.
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Assuming there are no medical explanations for this issue, many men I've worked with on this come to see it as essentially a form of Anxiety. There is a phenomenon called the Yerkes Dodson Law (see below; source: Wikipedia), which basically states that if we feel either too much or too little stress, pressure, or nervousness about a task, it will adversely impact our ability to do carry it out successfully.
The ideal amount of stress/arousal is right in the middle - not too little and not too much. This applies to more things than we might often realize - from giving a presentation, to ordering food, to making a free throw, to driving, to sexual intimacy as in this case. A common suggestion that many men find helpful is initiating open and honest conversations with their partners about this issue, and for a temporary period of time, agreeing to physical intimacy and sexual pleasure in other forms, and without the expectation of intercourse. There are many ways to go about that (which are outside the scope of this blog article), but this can be a path to connecting intimately and renewing physical bonding without unhelpful anxiety - and over time, can lead back to intimacy in all the ways that have become elusive. Best of luck.
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