My husband only has sex with me once a month or less

I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.

Sherry Katz, LCSW
Sherry Katz, LCSW
Couples and Family Therapist, LCSW

Have you said anything to your husband about the way you're feeling?

Start with this.

Sex is after all, a two person enterprise.

If he would like to talk about the way you're feeling, great and wonderful.  The two of you already are continuing to grow trust in your communication and relationship.

If he doesn't want to talk about how you're feeling, then you're facing a different problem

Your feelings are real and need to be handled.

If you end up facing your feelings of frustration about your husband not wanting to have sex with you, on your own, then does your husband give you a truthful sounding reason as to why not?

Ask what explains his disinterest in having sex with you.

If he doesn't want to address this question, then you are a little further down the rung of trust and care about you.

Depending on how satisfied you are with his answers, will guide you on how much dissatisfaction you can live with and why, longterm.

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.
Frank Theus
Frank Theus
MA, LPC, NCC, CSAT

   Feeling rejected and frustrated is a reasonable reaction to your experience with your husband. I want to encourage you that his actions may have little to do with you, and regardless of outcomes, I hope you find the help you need to process through your pain and still have hope for your marriage.

   If your husband was to work with me I'd explore with him his understanding of, and experience with, intimacy in relationship with others. Furthermore, like other male clients of mine, I'd challenge your husband to secure an updated full medical exam from his PCP (primary care physician) and/or urologist in order to identify or rule out any organic issues which may be causing his apparent lack of desire for sexual intimacy. If there are no physical issues, per se, I would encourage your husband to process further his family of origin story-line regarding rules, roles, sex, and sexuality along with working through his sexual and trauma histories. 

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.
Rovena Magidin, RTC
Rovena Magidin, RTC
Relationships, intimacy, sexuality

This is often a tough conversation, and most try to avoid it. It's understandable, and yet, it's a good conversation to have. How else would you know what's going on? I would probably start not by expressing your frustration, but by asking him what's going on for him.  Is he happy with once a month situation? Would he like to have more intimacy, sexual and non-sexual? If he does, what's in the way? Medical issues, stress, confidence, performance pressure, sometimes people are just too busy and tired ... The question then becomes how do you two can find more time, what would feel good for both of you? 

If he doesn't want to have more intimacy and once a month works for him - then it's a different conversation. Desire discrepancy is very common . Your needs, wants and desires are different. You two need to figure out what works for both of you, as a couple. Understanding each other is key. 

You are feeling frustrated already - understandable. Are you able to share with him what is it that you want or need? it's common for couples to experience a decline in intimacy. We get too comfortable.  It's too familiar. We lose the spark.  It takes work to bring it back into the bedroom. It takes effort and commitment from both people. We often simply don't know how to do it. I think it's starts with a conversation, then maybe a research project, then a lot of experimentation - learning about yourself, each other, what works and what doesn't. Good luck, and don't give up please, it's possible to turn it around. 

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide.   If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.
Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCH
Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCH
I tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals

This could have many different origins. Have you tried asking him about it? Sometimes starting with asking whether he would be open to having an important discussion can be a good beginning. If that starts well, perhaps continuing with something like "I've noticed that we haven't been together intimately (or whatever phrasing works for you) as much lately. Can you tell me more about what it's like for you?"

When asking questions like this, it usually helpful to not overuse (and perhaps try to avoid using) the word "why." That word tends to trigger really strong emotional reactions in people. Try starting with "what makes" Instead. For example, "what made you choose not to do that?"

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal, as if you want to hurt or kill yourself or someone else, or are in crisis, call 800-273-8255, call 911, or proceed to your local emergency room.
Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCC
Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCC
Bilingual Licensed Professional Counselor

Every area in a relationship, including intimacy, experiences a decline after the initial honeymoon period.  Couples have to work to maintain the spark.  Find a moment to talk to your husband about your concerns, and suggest ways to rekindle your sexual life, be open to listen to his concerns and demands as well.  But don’t forget that sex the fun part of being with someone, play, flirt, joke and keep looking for ways to continue falling for each other. 

Mi esposo solo tiene relaciones conmigo una vez al mes o menos.  

Me siento rechazada y frustrada.  Esto no es nuevo.  El primer mes que estuvimos juntos, teníamos sexo casi todos los días.  Luego se redujo a una vez por semana.  Amo a mi esposo, pero esto me causa dificultad.

Todas las áreas de una relación, incluyendo la intimidad, sufren altas y bajas luego del periodo de la luna de miel.  Las parejas tienen que trabajar para mantener la chispa.  Encuentra un momento para hablar con tu esposo sobre tu preocupación, y sugiere maneras de reencender su vida sexual, está atenta a escuchar sus preocupaciones y sugerencias al igual.  No olvides que el sexo es una de las partes más divertidas de una relación, jueguen, coqueteen, bromeen y continúen buscando maneras de enamorarse otra vez.

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room. La información provista es para propósito general basado en información mínima, no constituye aviso medico. Esta información tampoco constituye una comunicación directa con un consejero o terapista y no crea una relación entre cliente y terapeuta o desarrolla ningún privilegio. Si tiene pensamientos suicidas o está en crisis puede llamar al 911 o visitar su sala de emergencias mas cercana.

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