I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous

Because the acrobatics and excitement of sex has nothing to do with the meaning of deeper emotional attachment to another person with whom we are in a relationship.

Try to distinguish between your feelings of excitement from the novel sexual arrangement and what you feel is necessary in order to feel emotionally close and attached to your husband.

As someone who specializes in sexuality and polyamory, I can tell you that your experience is incredibly common.

It can be helpful to keep in mind that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, and for first time threesomes or any new sexual behavior really, we humans tend to enjoy a little extra oomph to our courage levels. That being said, it also lowers our ability to make well thought-out decisions. This combined with the brain rewarding novelty (new lover, new experience with our partner etc.) and maybe even some over-zealousness and performance anxiety could likely explain why your husband was on her more than you. My encouragement to you is to try not to overthink it at this stage. Now, IF you two choose to bring her or someone else into the bedroom again and a similar thing keeps happening, I would definitely push the issue and see what's up from his perspective.

The empty feeling could be any number of things including:

• Fear that "you're not enough for him"
• Fear that "she's better than you" in some way
• Fear that "if we keep doing this thing, he will need it and what happens if I no longer want it?"
• Opposite fear of "what if I now want her more than him" or "if I want the threesomes and he doesn't?"
• Fear of "does this mean our sex life isn't good enough as it is?"...."do we have to always add a little spice to keep it hot?"

• “Love in Abundance: a Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships” by Kathy Labriola
• “The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships” by Kathy Labriola
• “Rewriting the Rules: an Integrative Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships” by Meg Barker
• “More Than Two: a Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory” by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert
• “The Game Changer: a Memoir of Disruptive Love” by Franklin Veaux
• “The Ethical Slut: a Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures” by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
• “Opening Up: a Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino
• “Open All the Way: Confessions From my Open Marriage” by Sadie Smythe
• “Henry and June: From ‘A Journal of Love’ – The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin (1931-1932)“

Hello there.  As you have courageously explained your soulful dilemma. I can appreciate the complexity of this situation.  You have identified some key factors that may be contributing to your sense of feeling "empty".  One, is the ultimate goal here able to be acquired from this arrangement?  Are you trying to have your fulfillment with another woman while in the presence of your husband but not with him 'on her' as much or at all?  Are you trying to ask him to be more passive participant?  Perhaps be careful of not drinking too heavily... In the whole event, how do you want to feel intimate or connected ?  Were you craving all along, him to really be all over you along with her?  These are questions that arise; maybe not solutions.  Its always good to be very clear with oneself of what is the ultimate target here... And always measure the potential danger.. 

Peace - keith

Hello, and thank you for your question. Nervousness, when doing something new, especially something sexual that can feel so personal, is very common. Indeed, despite the fact that nervousness can be uncomfortable, it is also part of the excitement of trying something new.

Many people who engage in open, polyamorous, and/or other-type relationships, will tell you that difficult feelings, such as jealousy and anger, do show up sometimes. This doesn't prove that there is something wrong with the relationship, it just shows that you retain normal human emotions while in one. And many people who are in polyamorous relationships have written about the work it sometimes takes to make such relationships work. Of course, all relationships take work, so polyamorous and other types of relationships are simply not an exception.

There could be several reasons why you are feeling the way you do. One reason could be that you are simply not as comfortable with the idea as you think you are. Some time and good communication with your husband may help you with this. Another reason this may be bothering you is because, on some level, you are aware of the messages society gives us about marriages. They are supposed to be monogamous, heterosexual, etc. etc. Just because you may not agree with these beliefs doesn't mean that you haven't been influenced by them. We all have.

Another reason this may be upsetting you is because it may feel a little frightening. Perhaps there are a lot of "What ifs" going on in your mind. When you get the "empty" feeling, it may be helpful to try to really nail down the emotions that are attached to that feeling.

One thing that I do think is very important is that you communicate these feelings to your husband. It may even be a good idea to talk about expectations or "ground rules", if you will. It is important that you are both on the same page about what this is, and why you are doing it.

If you continue to struggle, I suggest finding a counselor who has experience in sex and sexuality.  I wish you well.

Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC

This is such a good question, and there's lots to explore. This "empty" feeling - if you were to stay with it, not trying to change it, just trying to understand it better - what does it tell you? Are there thoughts that come with it? Fears/concerns? How does it feel in your body? Is that a familiar feeling? When did you feel it before? 

I'd want to get clear about your needs/wants/desires - and also your values and beliefs around intimacy and sex and marriage.  Are your desires in alignment with your values? Maybe there are some old values that need to be re-examined? Are your heart, mind and body in alignment when it comes to this desire? We live in a society that's pretty judgmental when it comes to stuff like this, even though threesomes are one of the most common fantasies.  

Is it possible that this empty feelings is the excitement and fear, overlapped, like when someone is trying zip-lining for the first time? 

Are there other feelings underneath the emptiness? Shame? Pressure? Excitement and anticipation sometimes brings a feeling of shame or guilt - as if "is this ok for me to feel that?", or "is this normal?", or even "what's wrong with me for wanting this?". There's nothing wrong, and it IS ok to feel all of your feelings.  

Is there a conversation with your husband that needs to happen before you continue exploring? Do you need to find reassurance, closeness,  to talk about boundaries, to make sure it truly works for both of you. Do you talk about the first experience - what worked about that, what didn't, what would make it even better, what are you hoping to experience next time? How does it feel to talk about it? 

Keep moving forward, slowly, while paying attention to your body, your heart, and your thoughts and feelings. Keep talking about it. Journal if you like it.  You will find your answers. 

You need to have an honest conversation with each other about WHY you both want a threesome. Evaluate the status of your relationship with each other. Are you having issues? Fighting? Not feeling satisfied with each other? How has your sex life been with each other?  If there are any problems, insecurities, issues, introducing something like this may only make your relationship worse. 

Open relationships and threesomes rarely work out well. Sure, there are some who successfully live this lifestyle, but it only works when both people are completely secure in their relationship with each other, harbor no jealousies or insecurities, and aren't looking to someone else to satisfy needs that aren't getting met by their spouse. 

Let me say that again: This is not likely to work out well for you if either of you are insecure, jealous, or looking to have needs met by this other person that you aren't getting from your spouse. 

That empty feeling you're having - listen to it. Dig deep to find out where it is coming from. What thoughts are going through your head when you feel that way? You'll get the answer.

The other thing that helps make something like this work is for both of you to listen and respect each other. If you don't like it that he paid more attention to the other girl, he needs to know that, and he needs to respect that.  If you're going to do it again, he needs to know what you're comfortable with and what you want. Set the limits before you're in the moment, before it's too late to take an action back. Turn it around and ask him what he would be comfortable with if it were a man instead of a woman.

It is perfectly natural to be curious and want to experiment. A lot of people get that out of the way before settling down in a monogamous relationship. People who marry young and/or inexperienced may still feel that curiosity about things like that and want to experience them, but don't want to hurt their spouse. The REASON you are both doing this matters a lot. If there are problems in your relationship, this is likely to only make things worse.