How can I learn to be content and at peace?
I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself.
I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation.
How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?
Possibly you haven't completed your phase of mourning the recently passed relationship and lifestyle which surrounded it.
Relationship breakups mean a person's entire life goes through an adjustment since the relationship impacted all areas of your life.
Give yourself some patience to restore yourself from the old relationship.
When you feel whole again then more than likely you will lose some of the anxiety wondering what your new casual partner feels about you.
And instead of wondering, you may simply decide to ask the person your question!
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Hello. What you are experiencing is entirely reasonable for someone that is still trying to adjust to a new life and also leave behind a long term relationship. It sounds like you lost touch with who you were as a person and need to start exploring that side of you again. Spend time doing things that you have been putting off, or did not do because you were involved. Take the time to become one with yourself before you get into another serious relationship. Regaining self-confidence on yourself will help you with all other areas of life. It is time to make you a priority and to start focusing on your mental and physical well being. Get connected with your community and find things you would want to do that give you purpose and lift you. Before too long you will be in your way to being content and in total control of your mind and at peace. Best of luck. Mirella~
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The decision to end an relationship, especially after 4 years, is not easy and it takes courage. So, good for you for taking that leap with courage! As you mentioned, you truly believe you did the right thing, and that says a lot about your self-awareness and courage to make difficult decisions, even they're scary, for a healthier life for yourself.
It is totally normal to feel a bit out-of-sorts after ending a 4 year relationship. It is experienced as a loss, even if you're the one that ended it. Like any loss, you'll go through the stages of grief to some degree: denial (i.e. wondering if you made a mistake by ending it), anger (i.e. why did wait so long?; anxiety/frustration about self, like wondering "Am I lovable?," "Will I ever find love again?"), bargaining (i.e. if only I had...), depression (i.e. missing what you liked about the relationship; feeling needy, lonely), and acceptance (i.e. being okay with your decision and moving forward).
Ideally, you want to take some time to heal, reflect on the previous relationship (and it's lessons), reflect on your values and what else brings fulfillment and joy to your life, and give yourself the relationship you want to have eventually (i.e. attention, love, support, encouragement, compassion, etc.). Taking the time to do this will help you feel less "needy" for validation from others, more sure about who you are/what you value and what you want in your next relationship (someone that aligns with you and encourages those values too).
To be content and at peace with yourself you need to give yourself the attention you'd like to received from another. When you date, you normally want someone who is interested in getting to know you, who will encourage/support your goals, and who will be loving/compassionate with you. So, get to know yourself (what makes you happy?, what matters most to you?); encourage yourself (what areas of my life that I value need attention/more time from me? What can I start doing now to pay attention to those areas?), and be compassionate with yourself (acknowledge your regrets, reflect on what you learned from them, and forgive yourself for mistakes made).
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One way to find peace and contentment is to self-generate the love, acceptance, validation, and belonging you crave from others, inside yourself. Working thru how you came to a point where the sum total of your worth is based on others’ opinions of you and how your career, relationship status, etc., became a determining factor in how you value your worth. Society often uses these variables and tools to measure someone’s worth and our worth is not wrapped in those things, especially not those things alone! I would like to share these two videos.
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It takes time and must be on YOUR TIME. I have some free meditations on my site you can check out and other tools. Breathwork is a big one. There are meditations you can join as a group or individual online anywhere anytime. When you become a client of mine I offer this and it is wonderful plus other fun stuff🙏✨
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You are so self aware! That has to be refreshing just knowing that about yourself! It takes time to reset those new pathways to in your brain. You brain has to sense that the experiences you are having are enough to be okay. What are you looking for? When you can answer that question, it will also be helpful to calm that anxiety. If you are looking for commitment from this person, but you are seeing them casually, do they know and are they looking for commitment as well?
What does being content and at peace with yourself mean? Have you dated yourself? There's a page that I point other single people to on instagram #dearfuturehim, check it out. This girl is all about what to do while you are waiting and single, she also talks about being content and the "business of the brain" when you're single.
Lastly, I would talk to someone who can help you with the anxiety, especially if it's that strong. It's helpful to be able to get some help with how to be more relaxed. Hope this helps!
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It sounds to me like you would benefit from mindfulness practice and self-compassion practice.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness, in short, is the practice of bringing a non-judgmental awareness to the present moment. This meditative tradition stems from Buddhism and was brought to the West by Zen teachers who made them more accessible for Westerners.
If you’ve ever taken a yoga class or played a guided meditation wherein you were encouraged to focus on your breath without changing it, feel the sensations on your skin and bring awareness to tension in your body, you’ve practiced mindfulness.
What is self-compassion?
We often hear about self-esteem as something we need to increase for optimal mental health. The problem with self-esteem is that it ebbs and flows based on external factors – such as if you have a good job or if you have a romantic relationship.
A much better place to put your energy into is developing self-compassion, which is being kind to yourself no matter what your circumstances look like. Over time, self-compassion acts as the building blocks for self-love, which no one or nothing can take away from you.
Why develop these practices?
When you can practice mindfulness and self-compassion in tandem, then you bring more acceptance and understanding to your life circumstances instead of judging yourself for not having the perfect life.
I hope this is helpful and I wish you all the best. If you’re interested in this type of approach a holistic therapist can help you learn these tools and put them into daily practice.
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It appears to me that you feel unmoored as a result of the break and the experience has triggered some self- doubt and anxiety. Your lack of self- belief seems to further propel you to seek validation from the person you are casually involved with. One of the ways to find peace within yourself could be to engage in life and find fulfillment in healthy experiences.. Theorist Karen Horney considered this approach a form of therapy. She taught that most individuals could thrive once their fears and anxieties had been alleviated. I hope that will practice self acceptance daily be using expressive writing to document the areas of your life you are thankful for and that bring you joy.
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Millions of people deal with anxiety disorders on a daily basis. Whether it’s a result of a specific phobia, a traumatic event, or just generalized worry, anxiety disorders take a toll on our mind and health. There is help for anxiety disorder sufferers, and therapy is the first place to start.
If you deal with an anxiety disorder you most likely have looked into ways you can help calm your emotional roller coaster. Perhaps you’ve even tried some self-help techniques in the past. While these methods can provide some relief, it’s often temporary.
To rid yourself of overwhelming anxiety once and for all, you’ve got to get to the root cause of it – the underlying factors. A therapist can help you identify and eliminate these underlying factors.
If you are suffering from an anxiety disorder, here are 3 ways therapy can help:
1. Uncover Root Causes of the Anxiety Disorder
Like any other health issue, effective treatment gets to the root cause. For instance, your doctor can either prescribe a medication to try and manage your hypertension symptoms, or she can request you clean up your diet and exercise, addressing the root causes of your high blood pressure.
A therapist will assist you in accessing your emotional world so you can study your thoughts and feelings and uncover patterns. Often, unhealthy beliefs and thoughts lie at the root of anxiety. Once you identify what is causing you anxiety, your therapist can begin to create a plan to help you face these underlying issues calmly and confidently.
2. Therapy Helps You Change Your Behaviors
We’ve just talked a little about therapy helping you uncover the thoughts and beliefs that are causing the anxiety. Those thoughts and beliefs are not only making you feel bad, they are causing you to have certain behaviors that may result in negative consequences.
For instance, your anxiety leads to insomnia or denial of intimate social connections. Therapy will help you make lifestyle and behavioral changes. You’ll learn how to cope with difficult situations in a more relaxed manner. Therapy will help you to stop avoiding certain people and situations and develop a calmer and more balanced sense of self.
3. Therapy Offers Continued Personalized Support
All change is hard, even change that’s ultimately good for you. One of the biggest benefits of therapy is that it offers continual personalized support. Your therapist wants to see you succeed and will offer encouragement and advice without judgement.
If you’ve been living with anxiety, know that you don’t have to deal with it alone. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, contact a mental health professional.
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A break up, even one that you initiated, may deserve some time and space to allow it to be complete.
There's a few ideas I'll throw out there and you can choose if they stick. One is to re-invest in the friendships you have by setting up regular coffee get-togethers for example. Two, get out in nature. It's hard to ignore how grand and patient nature is, and it sometimes takes the pressure off what we should be and instead allows us to be. And the last one I'll throw out there is to invest your time and energy in a project or achievement you've wanted to do for a while, but that perhaps you didn't have the time to. Something related to a hobby such as sports or music, or related to your career. Something that is 'for' you.
Life knocks us off balance at times, and that's ok. Self-questioning during these times can be a healthy endeavor. Should you follow any of the advice on this website, continue to be kind to yourself about what you're feeling, and curious about why you're feeling that way.
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