How can I control myself and my anger?

Successfully controlling anger is often linked to a mindset change. Pushing people away when you're angry can be a defense mechanism that keeps you and them safe. They may be hurting you and causing your anger, and your instinct is to get them away. On the other hand, you could be protecting them from your fury. Sometimes we push people away when we don't want to address the issue or are uncomfortable with a close connection. It really could be a lot of things.

There are many things you can do to help control your anger:

- Change how you see situations to reduce frustration.

- Slow down and think about the situation before reacting.

- Work on communication skills.

- Think back to your last anger outburst and figure out what you want to do differently next time you begin to feel anger.

- Tune in to understand what comes before your anger so you can address it before it becomes a problem.

- Find ways to release your tension, so it doesn't build up.

- Open yourself up by taking a vulnerable body position with your arms at your sides and palms facing the other person.

- Ask for a break to cool off before continuing with triggering conversations.

Change your focus to a different part of the less disturbing part of the issue, and deal with that first.

-Think about the conversation or situation ahead of time to plan for alternative ways of seeing options and solutions.

- Ask for help. Let someone know you are getting angry and need support. Be specific about what will support you and help you get calm.

A big part of managing your anger is self-care. Manage your stress and understand your needs. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. You can more easily be your best self around others when your needs are met. Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. It sends you a message. It is your job to decode what that message is telling you. Listening to your anger and taking steps to address your needs can help support your physical and mental health. Your relationships and career will also benefit when you are well cared for.

If you need additional support, a therapist with anger management training can help you find an individual process that works for you.

Death of someone with whom we had fond involvement, is sad.   Accepting that a person is permanently gone from this earth, is unsettling and can feel painful.

That you had no current contact with this person doesn't exclude the meaning or feelings from within your relationship with this person.     Relationships don't require a time measurement in order to affect us.   

Your question acknowledges the process of adjusting to life without the chance to see or hear from this person again.

It is normal to grieve so be gentle and not critical of yourself when you feel yourself missing this person.

Meditation may be able to assist you in dealing and looking at your anger differently. Anger is not usually just anger. Behind our anger may lie rejection, grief, loneliness, a longing to reconnect, etc. When we ignore or repress our anger, we are always ignoring these other emotions as well.

Meditation is the midpoint between expressing and repressing anger. It allows us a space to stay present with it as it arises and recognize the many faces of anger. By doing this, we are able to become aware of our feelings to learn more about them and not be swept away by them. 

Learn more here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/26/meditate-to-manage-anger

Awareness is the first step.  Now that you know that you snap and push people away, you can look into ways to control your anger.  If you give yourself the time to analyze why you experience anger, you will discover that there are other feelings underneath;  shame, frustration, disappointment, and fear are some of the feelings that we cover with anger when we are not ready to deal with them or don’t know how to express them.  So next time you feel angry, even if you snap (with practice you will be able to identify them ahead of time), identify why you are angry, and try to express it out loud.  A therapist can help you to learn assertive communication skill using examples drawn from your daily experiences.

If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.

¿Cómo puedo controlarme y a mi coraje?

Exploto fácilmente y alejo a las personas.  Necesito ayudo antes de hacer que mi novio se aleje.

Tener conciencia de la situación es el primer paso.  Ahora que sabes que explotas y alejas a las personas, puedes buscar maneras de controlar tu enojo.  Si te das tiempo para analizar porque te da coraje, descubrirás que hay otras emociones escondidas, la vergüenza, la frustración, la decepción y el miedo son algunas de las emociones que cubrimos con coraje cuando no estamos listos para revelarlas, procesarlas o expresarlas.  Así que la próxima vez que estés a punto de explotar, o cuando ya hayas explotado (con la practica uno aprende a identificarlas de antemano), identifica por que estas enojada e intenta expresarlo en voz alta. Un consejero te puede ayudar aprender técnicas de comunicación asertiva usando ejemplos de tu vida cotidiana.

Si te gustaría hacer terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478.