Am I going to be alone forever?

I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.

Reid Stell
Reid Stell
Reid Stell Counseling

I can relate! When things are going badly, I feel like my life has always been and will always be that way. (But I also do this when things are going well. That is, I forget how good things can turn bad. Personally, to avoid this emotional roller-coaster, I try and heed the famous advice by author and feminist Rita Mae Brown: "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."

So maybe this weakness of your for forgetting is really a strength! It sounds a lot like living in the moment to me. And while it’s hard to manage my past and my future, the moment seems like a small enough piece of temporal real estate to sort out. So that’s the “what” of my answer. The “how” goes like this: Choose one from column A, two from column B, and three from column C in the following chart. Then try doing them for as long as you can. Then see what happens.

A                                            B                                                  C

Gratitude                                Forgiveness                                 Appreciation

Expectations                           Meditation                                    Exercise

Bitterness                               Distraction                                    Volunteering

Resentment                            Substances                                  Worry

Regret                                    Possessions                                 Pessimism

Shame                                    Desire                                          Superstition

Rage                                      Isolation                                        Wishing

Self-loathing                           Criticism                                       Withholding

 

If you feel as though what you think and believe are out of your control, or that your values were imposed on you, or that nothing good will ever happen again, then we will have to respectfully disagree. You’ve ask a very deep and insightful question, proving that your hope has gotten you this far. Hang onto that hope because I’m an example of things working out despite my previous way of looking at my life.

Instead of “convincing” yourself that you’re okay when you’re not, how about calling it “accepting yourself as okay just the way you are, without judging your okayness.” You probably have high standards (perfectionism?) and that’s a thing to talk with a counselor about. The opposite of perfect is not horrible. It’s called “good enough.”

Blocking out the bad things and forgetting is as natural as eating and sleeping. All the other mammals do it (except when it comes to life-threatening bad things) so why shouldn’t we? This might be called optimism.

Feeling alone and uncared for is a worse feeling than being despised. This is good! This means (I suppose) that you don’t despise yourself as much as you just don’t care for you (because we can often project our own self-beliefs onto others). This is an abstract concept that will take some time to get used to. But I have a suspicion that, with just a little more self-care, and a little more caring for others, you might be better off very soon.

Sherry Katz, LCSW
Sherry Katz, LCSW
Couples and Family Therapist, LCSW

I'm glad you're aware of how you honestly feel.  Knowing one's personal truth is always the first step in finding what is necessary to be and develop.

Reflect a little more on the type of care you'd like in your life.

"Care" means anything from checking in on someone to deep, intimate connection between two people.

Knowing your own definition of "care" is the first step to know what is necessary for you to recognize what you'd like attracting.

It is much easier to attract what we'd like if we are clear on what this is.

Nat Roman
Nat Roman
Marriage & Family Therapist, MSc RP

As social creatures, we humans all long for deep human connection. To know that we belong and are part of something larger. It is so important to us that when we feel alone - it can feel almost unbearable. You are not alone in feeling alone. While it can take time to build deep relationships there are moments in each day where we have the opportunity to interact with other people who may also feel lonely and scared and want to be seen and acknowledged. I wonder what it might be like for you if you took on an experiment of trying to really see the people around you and make little attempts to acknowledge and connect with them - fellow humans on this journey of life. A "good morning" at the bus stop or really looking at the person who you buy your groceries from or thanking or complimenting someone for something that you notice and appreciate. While this is not a substitute for close relationships these moments of real connection with the people who we share our communities with can go a long way to realizing that we are not as alone as we may have thought. 

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide.   If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.

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