I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him

I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?

Christianna Morgan
Christianna Morgan
Individual & Couples Counselor, Parent Coach

Long distance relationships have their challenges, and I am wondering if part of the missing attraction is due to the distance. Has the relationship always been long-distance, or is this a change? How do you feel when you are visiting one another? Are you distracted by your lack of feelings of lust for him? Or do those thoughts mostly come up when he's not with you? And the men you find yourself lusting over--are they men you see in real life?  Perhaps you are experiencing moments of lust for these other men because it's too painful for you to experience them about someone who is far away and not physically accessible to you.

It is normal for physical attraction to ebb and flow over time. And it is normal to be attracted to other people outside of your relationship. Being in love with one partner and building a life does not mean you stop having normal, human urges about other people you find attractive. Being in love does mean choosing that partner over others despite those urges of attraction.

There are many reasons you might wake up and fall in love all over again. But I would offer that those reasons are harder to experience in a long distance situation. Physical attraction is "easy" because we can experience that reaction based on a picture. But the day-to-day things a partner might do to make you feel loved, secure, cared for, and honored (which could give the same falling in love all over again feeling) are harder to experience and trust when you aren't physically together.

If the relationship is great and he's the ideal man in many ways, give some thought to what the next step for your relationship could be other than marriage. Is it possible to spend a significant amount of time together? If your potential marriage wouldn't be a long-distance relationship, then it might be worth exploring what it would be like to be in each other's life day in and day out. 

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide.   If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.

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