Why does my husband like dressing as a female in our bedroom?

He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I don’t like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it.

Tamara Powell
Tamara Powell
Anything But Ordinary!

Depending on your own sexual history and what you grew up expecting to be "normal" in the bedroom, I can easily imagine that this came as quite a shock to you!  

It DOESN'T necessarily mean, however that your husband is: gay, bisexual transgender, or even necessarily a cross-dresser etc. unless he has already told you so. I agree with the other poster who recommended you try and ask him more questions with an open and curious attitude and see if he might be open to explaining more with you. 

That being said, what we also know from research is that frequently what turns us on isn't always what we identify as.  Lots of people have fantasies or even sexual behaviors they may enjoy from time to time without considering themselves to be a part of any label or subculture. For example, many women are okay with having their hair pulled or bottom spanked during a particular rowdy sexual encounter but certainly don't consider themselves kinky, submissive, or anything else.  

It could be that your husband enjoys pretending/ fantasizing that he is something completely different in the bedroom from time to time from what most other see him as outside in the corporate world or in other roles he plays as husband, father, son, friend etc.  Many of my kink clients are drawn to their particular fetish simply because it's the opposite of what their life typically entails (e.g., a high profile CEO who is always responsible for making the decisions enjoys being at "the mercy" of someone else once a week). 

Each of us has a sexual script - a blueprint if you will of what we like and don't like in the bedroom and also what we have each come to see as being "normal."  It's also an internal guideline for how we each define our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and how big a part our sexual identity plays in our everyday lives (Gagnon & Simon, 1973).

You've been clued into the fact that your husbands greatly differs from yours on the surface level at the moment. 

ALL of us are sexual beings yet none of us is exactly identical to one another in our sexual definitions and script expectations. It's like our own sex fingerprint. 

In my role as a couples counselor, I often help partners become aware of their own sexual script and explore where it overlaps their partners and where it may always differ.  If a couple is able to successfully navigate formulating a plan for both to feel validated and sexually satisfied, the relationship thrives. 

Most counselors would agree that a healthy script includes:

  • Both partners taking ownership for the couple's sexual experiences.
  • Both partners learning to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings.
  • Both partners learning to meet one another's - needs, desires, and wishes while making sure his/her own needs are being met.

If "pegging" your husband as it's called is a hard and fast no for you, that will likely need to be respected as it may be too far off your own sexual script.  However, if your husband is for sure absolutely adamant about "needing" to dress in a female fashion and/or be anally penetrated, you may seek professional counseling to help navigate how both of you will come to an agreement about fulfilling these desires in a way that doesn't hurt either one of you or the marriage.

My warmest wishes to you both!

The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.

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