I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous

My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me.

He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?

Tamara Powell
Tamara Powell
Anything But Ordinary!

As someone who specializes in sexuality and polyamory, I can tell you that your experience is incredibly common.

It can be helpful to keep in mind that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, and for first time threesomes or any new sexual behavior really, we humans tend to enjoy a little extra oomph to our courage levels. That being said, it also lowers our ability to make well thought-out decisions. This combined with the brain rewarding novelty (new lover, new experience with our partner etc.) and maybe even some over-zealousness and performance anxiety could likely explain why your husband was on her more than you. My encouragement to you is to try not to overthink it at this stage. Now, IF you two choose to bring her or someone else into the bedroom again and a similar thing keeps happening, I would definitely push the issue and see what's up from his perspective.

The empty feeling could be any number of things including:

  • Fear that "you're not enough for him"
  • Fear that "she's better than you" in some way
  • Fear that "if we keep doing this thing, he will need it and what happens if I no longer want it?"
  • Opposite fear of "what if I now want her more than him" or "if I want the threesomes and he doesn't?"
  • Fear of "does this mean our sex life isn't good enough as it is?"...."do we have to always add a little spice to keep it hot?"
Or like Robin alluded to, preconceived notions about what culture, religion, family and friends etc. say about what marriage and sex "should" look like.  I also agree with her encouragement to explore the empty feeling further and see what nuances of other feelings are in there...jealousy? insecurity? shame? regret? longing?  When you can identify and name them, they are easier handled.

Some of the resources I recommend poly/ sexually open couples are:

Personally, I find your cravings to be healthy and quite normal. The key is to make them work well for you and your partner(s). Robin's also right about communication being key. Some of the suggested resources above can help get those conversations started. And if you need further assistance, absolutely I would find a sex-positive, poly-positive counselor to chat with.

Best of luck to you!

Tamara Powell, LMHC
The information above is intended as general information...  (more)The information above is intended as general information based on minimal information, and does not constitute health care advice. This information does not constitute communication with a counselor/therapist nor does it create a therapist-client relationship nor any of the privileges that relationship may provide. If you are currently feeling suicidal or are in crisis, call 911 or proceed to your local emergency room.

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